Not so long ago I was talking with one of our veteran back judges. That experienced official told me, “My first step is back. I can always step forward after the play begins,” he said. “But if those receivers take off downfield I need to make sure they don’t get behind me. So when the ball is snapped I step back and look at the action before I commit to going forward.”

That’s good leadership advice, for when conflict breaks out, it’s good for us to take a step back and survey the situation. I admit that when trouble breaks out, my first instinct is to rush in and start setting people straight. That has been called the “Ready, fire, aim” approach. It’s far better for me, however, when I back up before I rush in.

Here are three reasons to step back — to pause and take a deep breath — before jumping into the fray.

1. By stepping back I give myself time to discern whether or not I own some responsibility for the problem.

A few years ago I bought the book, Don’t Let Jerks Get the Best of You, hoping to prepare for dealings with blockheads and tyrants. Imagine my surprise when I took the book’s “jerk test” and found that I have some jerky tendencies myself! Before we start naming, blaming, and shaming, we must acknowledge whatever role we are playing in the conflict.

It is important to stand firmly against the manipulation and mutiny of difficult people. It is equally important that we not always assume that the difficult person is someone else.

2. By stepping back I give myself time to understand the person I am about to confront. Step back long enough to ask at least two questions about your adversary:

First, is this a person who seems to court conflict? Step back long enough to ask, “Does this person attract arguments? Is he frequently the focus of the fracas? Is she a magnet for misery mongers?” If the answer is “yes,” then don’t take that person as seriously as you would someone who rarely is involved in controversy.

Second, is this person hurting? Often those who are most hurtful on the outside … are hurting on the inside. You just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Counselors call this “displacement.” Sometimes you might be attacked when you aren’t the issue at all. In that case, as much as is within you, your response should be as that to a hurting person, not merely a hurtful person.

3. By stepping back I give myself time to decide whether or not this conflict is worthy of confrontation:

Proverbs 19:11 reads, “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” Abraham Lincoln recommended that people let little differences blow over — not to make major controversies out of minor disagreements. He said, “A man has not time to spend half his life in quarrels … No man resolved to make the most of himself, can spare time for personal contention.”

Some conflicts do merit confrontation and we have to be courageous enough to do the right thing. Conflict, however, uses up a lot of our time and energy. It’s unhealthy emotionally and even physically. So let’s not go around looking for trouble. It’s wise to step back.

Travis Collins has been a vocational pastor and missionary for more than two decades. He earned a Master of Divinity and a Ph.D. from Southern Baptist Theological Seminary. As an international missionary, he worked in Venezuela and Nigeria and has been a pastor of three churches in Kentucky. Every fall, he dons his zebra stripes to officiate high school football in Richmond, Va., where he and his wife currently reside. Collins and his wife, Keri, pastor Bon Air Baptist Church and have three children and a daughter-in-law.